The Incredible Hulk 1982 - Miraculous Clothes

Miracle clothes - They rip and tear when Bruce Banner changes into Hulk until he's wearing nothing but ragged purple pants. When he changes back to Dr. Banner, the clothes are whole again. Miraculous! Imagine never having to lose buttons, replace holey clothes or repair broken seams. Oh, except for the occassional lab coat that goes missing after he returns to weak Banner mode.

Idiot Talbot - Sure, he knows martial arts, NOT. Could he have called Betty any louder to alert the enemy to their presence? Watch he swiftly he flees. No wonder the men called him Noodlehead Ned. Why hasn't he gottem demoted yet?

That three star nightgown - Do those nightgowns come standard for army generals?

Why grass?!!

I hate the grass. It grows too fast, requires constant mowing, I constantly get fined for having it too long even after constant mowing, AND it's even less killable than the weeds!



I'd grow delicious veggies and herbs but the insects infesting my ground make it impossible. My corn came out smaller than raisins. Like that episode of Giligan's Island when the "raisin" turned out to be a watermelon.


Wheat grass would at least be nutritious. I wonder if it grows as well as typical grass.Also, it doesn't seem to require fertilizer. I tried to make my own compost (why pay when you can make it free?) but the aformentioned insects are impossible.

This season, I'll try lawn fabric to cover the whole mess. Hopefully, it'll last half as long as stated but I'm sure my lawn will win out soon enough.

Oh, well, there's always rock gardens. No, wait, the neighborhood kids will throw them through my windows. Maybe I could just plop a shed on top?

How ridiculous is the time and money spent caring for a lawn? Grass seed, fertilizer, insecticide, weed killer, lawn mower, trimmer, maintenance, water... And of course there's the people who water their lawns during the worst droughts. Can't let the grass go thirsty while people can go ahead and die of dehydration, right?

Even better, how about a desert theme? Plant those cacti that retain water forever. Then during a
drought you could drink from the lawn! 

Plant food for the homeless and hungry if not for yourself.

Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends (aka Love Triangle)

Talk about flexibility: Spidey can change in the tight confines of a sarcophagus! Where's Spidey stashing his clothes?

Iceman - Anyone else thinks he might be overemphasizing his muscles when he builds that icy shell? And where did his clothes go that time he turned back to Bobby wearing nothing but underwear?

The secret room - How'd they build it and with what money? Why hasn't Aunt May accidentally activated it when dusting or walked in while it was open and they were out?


Three's Company - The threesome are like Three's Company with superpowers. Well, I guess since Firestar looks like MJ they didn't need Mary Jane Watson there even if Anna Watson was living next door. Love triangle!

 
Licensing fees, please - They have Spidey comics, T-shirts, and costumes. They invited him to star in a Hollywood movie. Why isn't Peter getting a cut of this stuff? Since they like to send Spidey bills for destruction in the wake of his superheroing, at least he could start a fund using licensing fees to pay for all that. Peter's so broke he had to go as Spider-Man for Halloween while his equally jobless college friends got to go as other superheroes.

That arcade - Who studies in an arcade? Can anyone even concentrate with all the noise? Not that I didn't enjoy seeing Flash Thompson getting Ponged to within an inch of his life.

That Dracula -  Anyone else think Dracula sounded fruity saying "frisky little frosty friend?" How did he keep crocodiles alive in a tiny enclosed space for decades? Vampires should be afraid of fire so why marry Firestar?



Miscellaneous - How did the Red Skull's henchmen touch that burning rope around Iceman with their bare hands? How did they save the future from Spidey germs without decomtaminating the future girl before sending her back?

The Tale of Grass Blade or How I got Fined and Charged Again

I'm a blade of grass. The name's Grass Blade. Together with a lawn full of my relatives, I might look lush and green and harmless. I'm anything but.

I am grass. I'll grow as high as I can. And no matter how much you try to cut me down, I'll grow right back up. I reach for the spring and summer sun most when it's too hot for you to do a dang thing about it without suffering heatstroke. I will wear you down.



As for me in particular, I'm an ornery sumb*tch. I live right by these weird pipes on Homeowner's lawn. Homeowner can't get near us with a mower or string trimmer. Me and my amigos laugh when she tries. There's a line of b*stards by Neighbor Guy's garden wall that are just as safe as us around the pipes.

So she looks it up on one of them newfangled things. She dumps out a heavy load of salt. I gotta say that one stung a bit. I lived though. Then she pours on some vinegar. I ain't no pickle! She plants some low-growing groundcover to push us out. The weaker blades fall but the rest of us live. She lays out mulch to smother us. Some of us poke right back through. She gives in and gives me and my buddies a good haircut with some big hedge clippers. It's hard on her with the slope and the wall and the pipes.



A while later, the lawn gets up to maybe three inches and some low-down no-good Neighbor of Homeowner reports her to Philadelphia Community Life Improvement Program (CLIP). This Neighbor's own grass is three FEET tall. So's the grass of Neighbor's closest five friends. But them bigots all got it in for Homeowner - even though she never did a thing to them - so they report her. How's any of that for improving community life?

CLIP sends an "officer" out to take a picture and write up a ticket for a $75 fine. What?! I got a trim not too long ago and my beard's just coming back in nice-like. They says if she don't cut us grass in a couple days, they'll send a crew and charge her for the privilege. "Officer" conveniently don't bother looking at the Neighbor's taller grass and fining HIM.

Homeowner paid the fine 'cause she ain't got time to go to the hearings to contest these bogus fines all the time. She cut the grass too. I ain't never been so bald. Couple days later when she's out at work, they send a crew anyway. Then they mail Homeowner a bill for $200.

I'm still here growing with my pals. I ain't going nowhere. I'm too stubborn to die. I will return.

The Amazing Spider-Man 1981, Everybody loves Peter

Everybody loves Peter. No, really. - Betty broke up with him but still dates him. J
Jonah Jameson went to his school play. JJ even stayed with him when he was sick!

Doom - He keeps taking over the United Nations, but he can't hold it. Why bother? It's not the real seat of the world's power. No, we all know that the real power is in a secret cabal that's above the law.

Why does he need to enslave and terrorize his Latverian people do do the heavy work? The robot overseers he uses could probably do the work more quickly and efficiently.


JJ also loves Doom, much more than Peter. That tightwad hardly seemed to notice when Doom destroyed his mansion. He didn't even overhear from a few feet away when Doom ranted loudly about destroying the world. Talk about blind (and deaf) love.


How does Spider-Man do that? His Spidey-sense effect doesn't line up with his eyes; how does he see through the costume? How could he be so sure that the strong acid he used to dissolve the cuffs in the sewer wouldn't swirl around in the rushing water and eat him up?

Miscellaneous - Why does Jolly J Jameson have a Hitler mustache? Aunt May think Spidey socks are adorable! Is that Clark Kent/Superman in the phone booth? Why is a telecommunications professor lecturing about Spider-Man's grace?

Fining the Littered Upon Instead of the Litterbugs

Hi, I'm a piece of litter. I used to be a disposable coffee cup. Some inconsiderate douchebag decided he couldn't be bothered to carry me an extra block to drop me in a recycling bin. Heck, even a trash can might have worked if there were lots of coffee residue left in me that was too much for recycling to handle. There was a trash can less than ten feet away.

Nope, this guy just drops me to the ground. Since I'm in the way, people passing by kick me out of the way and partly down the street. Ouch! The wind then gets a hold of me. Whee!

Eventually, I end up on Innocent Homeowner's lawn, caught along her neighbor's garden wall. Homeowner's out running errands. She has been for half an hour already and she won't be back for another hour at least. Unfortunately for her, that's when the "Officer" "happens" along.

Officer has tickets, a fat stack of envelopes (Really? Envelopes? What kind of officer carries envelopes?), an itchy writing hand, and one heck of a bad attitude. He spots me chilling on Homeowner's lawn and takes a photo to document me. Cheese! Wait, I blinked! Take another one.

He then writes a ticket for a large fine. The punk calls me a dirty name: litter. Hey, I used to be a coffee cup. I had a legitimate and very useful function. Now, I'm just trash that got found where it shouldn't be through no fault of mine or Homeowner's.

Officer prints out one of those tickets with the bad picture, stuffs it in an envelope, then sticks it in Homeowner's door. About an hour later, Homeowner gets home to find she's out another large amount of money - when money's already tight - for a piece of litter she never had a chance to know was there let alone pick up. Of course, Homeowner would rather pay frivolous fines than save money to fix her leaky roof. Homeowner can't stay on top of any litter that blows along 24-7 365-366 days a year. No one could.

The actual douchebag litterbug gets away scott free. All the other neighbors on the same street with even more litter on the lawns? Officer didn't even bother with them even though anyone with eyes walking down the street could see. Yeah, I'm talking about you there with the newspaper pages and soda cans. And you with the food wrappers and coffee cups.

How is that helpful? That'll really teach litterbugs not to litter anymore if you just fine the people whose lawns the litter ends up on. It especially helps if you ignore all the other litter lying around.

If you see litter in a public park, are you going to fine the dying cancer-stricken wheelchair-bound person the trash blew up against? Or the person who dropped the litter on the ground instead of in a trash can two feet away? How is it fair to fine anyone except the litterbug?

Thanks a lot Philadelphia Streets and Walkways Education and Enforcement Program (SWEEP). Their description: City-run program created to educate Philadelphia citizens about their responsibilities under the Sanitation Code. I recall no education about this before a fine got stuffed in my door.

Fantastic Four 1978 The Incredible Flying Bathtub!

Stop making Sue Storm dumb! Why can't she think to use her powers to turn invisible on her own without getting orders from Reed? She should have known Mr. Fantastic couldn't be beaten by a colied wrapped around him. And why does she have to practice her powers and the others don't?


If Ben can lift 50 tons with his strongest finger, why does it take two arms and lots of effort to life 100 tons?

The Fantasticar: As the Marvel mash-up says: it's a flying bar of soap! It's a flying refrigerator with the doors removed! Sue -- and Thing -- can't be too happy Reed repurposed their fridge. It's a flying group bathtub with tiny compartments! Cozy. What happens when it rains? Not very aerodynamic, is it? No wonder the ever-loving blue-eyed Thing ain't always clamoring to pilot it like he does everything else that flies. Why does Sue get a compartment as tiny as Herbie's?

Reed's the dumbest smart guy in the world. Consider the Fantasticar. Also, when he told Magneto that he hadn't taken the man's powers. He could just have never told or at least waited until Magneto was in cuffs. Of course, they'd have needed plastic cuffs. And if you make a tunnel out of a sealed environment, the atmosphere's going to escape anyway.

Miscellaneous - Villians buy action figures of their enemies to play with? Reed looks like a limp noodle. Come on, Kong wannabe, climb the building! Those peaceful people will eventually get slaughtered if they keep calling others ugly. Yeah, who wants to rule this mess of a world?