Help, I've Been Graffitied, Please Fine Me?

Trying to find any information on the Philadelphia Community Life Improvement Program (CLIP), I visited their website. They say they do graffiti removal. Considering how they treat me all the time for "long" grass and litter, I'm guessing if my place were graffitied, the process would go like this:

1) Punks - probably put up to it by Nasty Neighbor - graffiti my place with discriminatory slurs while I'm out running errands.

2) Nasty Neighbor - who hates me for no reason and keeps messing with me even though I've done nothing to him, not even in payback - informs CLIP that there's graffiti on my house and it's an "eyesore" for him.

3) CLIP "officer" comes out, takes a picture, writes up a ticket with a large fine against me even though I'm the victim here. Most especially because there's no video cameras on my property to prove that punks did it instead of me. Since, of course, I'd graffiti my own property with slurs against myself.

4) I come home to find a double bonus of graffitied slurs and a large fine. The ticket informs me that if I don't clean up the graffiti in two days, they'll send a crew to do it and charge me an excessive amount for the privilege.

5) I spend time I don't have cleaning the graffiti and money I don't have paying the large fine.

6) Another time while I'm out running errands, crew arrives at my house to clean up now nonexistent graffiti.

7) I receive an exorbitant bill in the mail for graffiti cleanup "service".

What a load of bull Philadelphia CLIP is.

The Tale of Grass Blade or How I got Fined and Charged Again

I'm a blade of grass. The name's Grass Blade. Together with a lawn full of my relatives, I might look lush and green and harmless. I'm anything but.

I am grass. I'll grow as high as I can. And no matter how much you try to cut me down, I'll grow right back up. I reach for the spring and summer sun most when it's too hot for you to do a dang thing about it without suffering heatstroke. I will wear you down.



As for me in particular, I'm an ornery sumb*tch. I live right by these weird pipes on Homeowner's lawn. Homeowner can't get near us with a mower or string trimmer. Me and my amigos laugh when she tries. There's a line of b*stards by Neighbor Guy's garden wall that are just as safe as us around the pipes.

So she looks it up on one of them newfangled things. She dumps out a heavy load of salt. I gotta say that one stung a bit. I lived though. Then she pours on some vinegar. I ain't no pickle! She plants some low-growing groundcover to push us out. The weaker blades fall but the rest of us live. She lays out mulch to smother us. Some of us poke right back through. She gives in and gives me and my buddies a good haircut with some big hedge clippers. It's hard on her with the slope and the wall and the pipes.



A while later, the lawn gets up to maybe three inches and some low-down no-good Neighbor of Homeowner reports her to Philadelphia Community Life Improvement Program (CLIP). This Neighbor's own grass is three FEET tall. So's the grass of Neighbor's closest five friends. But them bigots all got it in for Homeowner - even though she never did a thing to them - so they report her. How's any of that for improving community life?

CLIP sends an "officer" out to take a picture and write up a ticket for a $75 fine. What?! I got a trim not too long ago and my beard's just coming back in nice-like. They says if she don't cut us grass in a couple days, they'll send a crew and charge her for the privilege. "Officer" conveniently don't bother looking at the Neighbor's taller grass and fining HIM.

Homeowner paid the fine 'cause she ain't got time to go to the hearings to contest these bogus fines all the time. She cut the grass too. I ain't never been so bald. Couple days later when she's out at work, they send a crew anyway. Then they mail Homeowner a bill for $200.

I'm still here growing with my pals. I ain't going nowhere. I'm too stubborn to die. I will return.

Fining the Littered Upon Instead of the Litterbugs

Hi, I'm a piece of litter. I used to be a disposable coffee cup. Some inconsiderate douchebag decided he couldn't be bothered to carry me an extra block to drop me in a recycling bin. Heck, even a trash can might have worked if there were lots of coffee residue left in me that was too much for recycling to handle. There was a trash can less than ten feet away.

Nope, this guy just drops me to the ground. Since I'm in the way, people passing by kick me out of the way and partly down the street. Ouch! The wind then gets a hold of me. Whee!

Eventually, I end up on Innocent Homeowner's lawn, caught along her neighbor's garden wall. Homeowner's out running errands. She has been for half an hour already and she won't be back for another hour at least. Unfortunately for her, that's when the "Officer" "happens" along.

Officer has tickets, a fat stack of envelopes (Really? Envelopes? What kind of officer carries envelopes?), an itchy writing hand, and one heck of a bad attitude. He spots me chilling on Homeowner's lawn and takes a photo to document me. Cheese! Wait, I blinked! Take another one.

He then writes a ticket for a large fine. The punk calls me a dirty name: litter. Hey, I used to be a coffee cup. I had a legitimate and very useful function. Now, I'm just trash that got found where it shouldn't be through no fault of mine or Homeowner's.

Officer prints out one of those tickets with the bad picture, stuffs it in an envelope, then sticks it in Homeowner's door. About an hour later, Homeowner gets home to find she's out another large amount of money - when money's already tight - for a piece of litter she never had a chance to know was there let alone pick up. Of course, Homeowner would rather pay frivolous fines than save money to fix her leaky roof. Homeowner can't stay on top of any litter that blows along 24-7 365-366 days a year. No one could.

The actual douchebag litterbug gets away scott free. All the other neighbors on the same street with even more litter on the lawns? Officer didn't even bother with them even though anyone with eyes walking down the street could see. Yeah, I'm talking about you there with the newspaper pages and soda cans. And you with the food wrappers and coffee cups.

How is that helpful? That'll really teach litterbugs not to litter anymore if you just fine the people whose lawns the litter ends up on. It especially helps if you ignore all the other litter lying around.

If you see litter in a public park, are you going to fine the dying cancer-stricken wheelchair-bound person the trash blew up against? Or the person who dropped the litter on the ground instead of in a trash can two feet away? How is it fair to fine anyone except the litterbug?

Thanks a lot Philadelphia Streets and Walkways Education and Enforcement Program (SWEEP). Their description: City-run program created to educate Philadelphia citizens about their responsibilities under the Sanitation Code. I recall no education about this before a fine got stuffed in my door.