Pigeons: Precision Poopers

Planning a precision strike on humans

Descending the stairs, my hand on the narrow metal railing, I feel something wet, icky... eww! Yep, pigeon poop. On that think railing less than an inch thick. Talk about precision swoop and poop.

How about the time I was staring at my feet in a schoolyard? So emo and loner, I know. Didn't even notice a thing until others started making a fuss. You know, backing away, pointing, laughing since I wasn't enough of a social misfit already. I can be oblivious but not THAT oblivious. That was a stealth precision strike right on the shoulder of my coat.

Isn't it bad enough that they love to roost on my house? One raised a family on my crumbling bedroom window sill. Hello? Crumbling: not a safe place to raise your kids. Plenty of other solid spots on all the other neighborhood houses. And their endless cooing is so darn loud...

Too bad I don't believe in hurting living creatures. I once tried to trap a cockroach but accidentally chopped it in half when it put on a sudden burst of speed. Hold still, you idiots. I dont want to kill you... yet. OK, maybe never, I'm squeamish that way.

A Tip For Idiotic Bigots

I'm guessing you pretend to be an upstanding citizen and a productive helpful member of society. You wouldn't kill someone on the off chance you might get arrested, right? But you would want them out of your neighborhood since it should a nice pure place for you and your kind to live.

If so, the last thing you want is to destroy your target's property or physically hurt them or their family. See, it takes money to move away. It takes more money for them not to go broke and have to live with government support which would be paid for with YOUR hard-earned tax dollars, gasp! You don't want them to have to continually shell out for hospital bills and fixing and replacing things.

Try asking; it doesn't even have to be too nicely. Or telling. Or anything else that doesn't involve physical assault or property destruction which are both still crimes that can be pinned on you. Also, lay off with trying to get them fined for stupid things because again, you don't want to them to run out of the money they'd need to move out of your precious neighborhood. 'Cause then might have no choice but to stay right there NEXTTOYOU which is the last thing either of you want.

The point is, home should be a sanctuary. Yes, I suppose even you have a right to that. As for your target, no place with a-holes like you around is much of a sanctuary. Give them the best chance possible of moving away already so you both can be happier. Emphasis on the YOU because of course you deserve everything good in the universe and they don't. *roll eyes*